My mom doesn’t exactly understand why I enjoy traveling solo.
“I don’t see why you don’t just travel with a group,” she said to me some weeks ago as I was discussing my upcoming travel plans.
Part of it is that she’s secretly hoping that if I travel with a group I’ll meet someone. She doesn’t have to say it; I know her game. But her first reason—her most important reason—is I’m her only daughter and she’s concerned about my safety.
So how to balance her perfectly legitimate concern for my well-being with my desire to see the world unfettered?
Lie.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit harsh. Let’s call it “creative storytelling.”
About a month ago, I wrote a post about a solo cross-country trip I took almost two years ago. While I was planning my adventure, I’d mentioned the trip to my mom but I never told her exactly when I was leaving. And I kept it that way.
I’m used to being on the phone with my mom almost every night, so I thought it would be hard to hide the truth from her. Turns out it was easier than I thought.
On that first night on the road, after I’d arrived at my hotel for the night, I called her. When she asked me what I was doing, I casually told her, “Oh, I’m in bed.” What I failed to mention was that I was in a bed in a hotel somewhere in Ohio.
And the next night? “Just back from Target,” I said nonchalantly. Never told her it was the Super Target in Rochester, Minnesota.
Oops.
We continued that way across much of the country. By the third night, I was a pro. On the fourth night, I was grateful for the lack of a cell phone signal in Yellowstone National Park. She certainly didn’t need to know that my tent was mere feet from the path of a 2,000-pound bison.
Somehow, by the fifth night, I just couldn’t do it anymore so I didn’t call her at all.
Six days on the road and she was none the wiser. When I finally arrived in Seattle, I called her and dropped the bomb.
She didn’t talk to me for almost a week.
Years later, we look back laugh. I think she understands now that I just didn’t want her to have to worry about me but in doing that, I almost destroyed a trust that took a lifetime to build.
So how do I handle it now? I tell her just as much she needs to know. I think that’s something both of us can live with.
I know she’ll never stop worrying about me, no matter where I go. And even though she might be a bit of a worry-wart, I love that no matter what I do, I always have her support.
Tell the truth: how do you manage your family’s “worry-wart” tendencies when you travel solo? Sins of omission? Creative storytelling? Little white lies? Enter the confessional and spill all your dirty little secrets.
I’m Traveling Solo…Again
My mom doesn’t exactly understand why I enjoy traveling solo.
“I don’t see why you don’t just travel with a group,” she said to me some weeks ago as I was discussing my upcoming travel plans.
Part of it is that she’s secretly hoping that if I travel with a group I’ll meet someone. She doesn’t have to say it; I know her game. But her first reason—her most important reason—is I’m her only daughter and she’s concerned about my safety.
So how to balance her perfectly legitimate concern for my well-being with my desire to see the world unfettered?
Lie.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit harsh. Let’s call it “creative storytelling.”
About a month ago, I wrote a post about a solo cross-country trip I took almost two years ago. While I was planning my adventure, I’d mentioned the trip to my mom but I never told her exactly when I was leaving. And I kept it that way.
I’m used to being on the phone with my mom almost every night, so I thought it would be hard to hide the truth from her. Turns out it was easier than I thought.
On that first night on the road, after I’d arrived at my hotel for the night, I called her. When she asked me what I was doing, I casually told her, “Oh, I’m in bed.” What I failed to mention was that I was in a bed in a hotel somewhere in Ohio.
And the next night? “Just back from Target,” I said nonchalantly. Never told her it was the Super Target in Rochester, Minnesota.
Oops.
We continued that way across much of the country. By the third night, I was a pro. On the fourth night, I was grateful for the lack of a cell phone signal in Yellowstone National Park. She certainly didn’t need to know that my tent was mere feet from the path of a 2,000-pound bison.
Somehow, by the fifth night, I just couldn’st do it anymore so I didn’t call her at all.
Six days on the road and she was none the wiser. When I finally arrived in Seattle, I called her and dropped the bomb.
She didn’t talk to me for almost a week.
Years later, we look back laugh. I think she understands now that I just didn’t want her to have to worry about me but in doing that, I almost destroyed a trust that took a lifetime to build.
So how do I handle it now? I tell her just as much she needs to know. I think that’s something both of us can live with.
I know she’ll never stop worrying about me, no matter where I go. And even though she might be a bit of a worry-wart, I love that no matter what I do, I always have her support.
Tell the truth: how do you manage your family’s “worry-wart” tendencies when you travel solo? Sins of omission? Creative storytelling? Little white lies? Enter the confessional and spill all your dirty little secrets.
My Dad’s been telling me for months that I should travel with friends and not solo. I’ve been waiting for friends to save some money for 10 years. I’m over waiting. Solo = Growth = Better.
Word.
Well, my last minute dishing and dashing was a method I used with my mom in the beginning, but now she’s gotten used to my solo travels. I think she knows that I understand my limits! I also try to stay in touch regularly when I’m on the road and though I do a lot of deciding as I go along, I also give as much info as I can about anything I’ve pre-booked.
Ahhh…..the old “dish and dash” method. Haven’t tried that one yet! Promising to keep the lines of communication open is also key to keeping the ‘rents in the know. Although I imagine that if you’re planning on the fly it can be challenging to share your plans…
I think it’s a mom’s job to worry. Now that I’m a little older (26) I don’t think my parents worry too much. I think my grandparents probably worry more then they do. Still I make sure to call or email them at least once, to tell them I’m ok. And I always let them know where I’ll be staying, and give contact information as well.
I agree that little lies are sometimes for the best. When I went solo to New York City last year my mom said “don’t stay out after 9pm, it’s dangerous.” Uh yeah I totally stayed out after 9pm, I’m not staying in my hotel all night in New York City.
My typical m.o is creating a detailed itinerary about where I’m going, where I’m staying, etc. and share it with my mom and brothers. I’ll call when I arrive, and then send and e-mail or call every so often to let them know I’m okay. Outside of that, there’s not much else you can really do.
And yeah, why go to NYC if you’re going to stay in your hotel? 😛
Hey!
The best way is propably to go traveling with her one weekend. Somewhere close and fun, where both of you would enjoy and in such a way she could understand it’s safe to go around. Or just make a travel-picture-report-session.
When I started living abroad, my mother was only relaxed when she came to visit me and she understood that the supermarkets here were actually like the ones at home. Sounds silly but she was concerned I wouldn’t be able to find good food and that I would miss my usual stuff. From time to time she still sends me by post … food items! :p I think it’s the Southern thing!
Cheers,
Ana
(When are you coming to Brussels? Let me know!)
My mom is actually very much a world traveler–in the past three years alone she’s traveled as part of a group to the Czech Republic, Israel, Germany, and Switzerland, plus every summer we go on some kind of trip together. It’s not that she’s afraid of travel; I think she’s afraid for my safety when I travel alone. But as I’ve gotten more experienced, I can sense her level of anxiety about me decreasing.
I think it’s so cute that your mother was concerned that you wouldn’t find your favorite foods abroad. Moms really just can’t help themselves!
I’ll send you an e-mail with my Belgium itinerary. 🙂
And the most amazing thing is that slowly slowly we’ll become just like them in so many (and good) ways! 🙂
LOL, this is too funny, Marsha! Your mom must have been so mad. My family used to squawk a little about me traveling solo, but they’re used to it by now. Plus they know I’m not going to listen to them anyway, so what’s the point?
I just want to jump back in here (after reading Gray’s response)….because I relate to it. My family also knows that I’m not going to listen to them, either… Occasionally, they say, “Are you sure you want to do that?” My response: “It’s not that I want to do it….I AM doing it.”
OK…’nuff said. 🙂
Yes…she was furious and hurt and that part wasn’t worth i, but we worked it out. I think she knows now that I’m going to travel alone so she accepts it and tries to stay positive.
Hehe, better hope your mom doesn’t read your blog! 😛
I’ve been blessed with supportive parents who did a fair bit of solo travel when themselves when they were about my age (though back then they called those kinds of people “hippies!”). So I tell them I’m traveling solo, they say, “Great!” Some of my friends, on the other hand, seem to have this impression that the rest of the world is highly dangerous. They’re another story entirely! Cuz, you know, rural China is SO much more dangerous than New York City…
Hehehe…..she doesn’t 😛
Hey, Aaron–I think it’s adorable that your parents are like “Go for it!” I couldn’t imagine my mom ever getting to that point, no matter how much I travel. For me it’s the other way around. Most of my friends have the travel bug as well, they understand the “urge for going.” I think a lot of concern stems from a lack of knowledge about other places; I hope that by traveling more and more and sharing my stories here, I can show that the world isn’t always as dangerous as it’s made out to be in the news.
Great article! Found you on Lisa’s Twitter RT. Guess I have a totally different approach to solo travel than you or Lisa do. I think women traveling alone should email their travel itinerary to select family and friends. I do this before every trip I take. And then I check in several times a day – especially if I’m on a long road trip. My sister is usually the one I’ll check in with and she does the same with me when she travels alone. Guess if I don’t show up when I’m supposed to and where I’m supposed to, I want someone to call the cops to send out a search party or the call the U.S. embassy and at least know when I last checked in. Maybe I watched too much “Hard Copy” as a child or movies like “Taken.” Lisa, you were very brave to travel to the Middle East solo as a woman. Don’t think I’d go that route myself. I understand you don’t want to worry your mom, but I guess I think information is a better way to go, but I appreciate your honesty about your dishonesty with your mom so she didn’t worry. 🙂
I completely agree with you, Marianne. I usually email my itinerary with the places I’m staying to my family, but on this particular trip, I know my mom would have freaked out because I was driving across the country alone. I did however, give my itinerary to a few friends who also had my mom’s phone number if anything had gone wrong, but I know her. She would have been beside herself for the whole six days until I arrived at my destination if I had told her. However, I’ve made a deal with her now that I’ll tell her I’m traveling no matter what.
My mom’s issue is less about the solo thing and more about where I’m going (PS: I’m sure I’m older than you and she still worries a bit). So my approach has been one I’ll call “partial/delayed information sharing.” On my most recent trip to the Middle East, I let her know I was flying into Turkey and then going to Jordan, where I was going to stay with a family. This was true, of course, and it sounded good.
I then revealed the rest of the information later, once I was in Jordan. “Oh, by the way…I’m also going to Syria, etc.” Not that there’s any issue with Syria, mind you; it was safe and wonderful. But because my Mom doesn’t travel internationally, some of these places sound scary to her. So I let her know…later… Somehow, that’s worked well. 🙂
But mostly, I’m very direct and just say it like it is. And that seems to work best. I think that you should let her know that you’re mature and wise and know how to travel–that you do your homework, etc.–and that you will be traveling a lot. Maybe if she knows that you know how to do it, she won’t worry…
No matter how old I am, I suspect my mom will still worry about me traveling solo. However, as I’ve traveled alone more and more, I’ve seen her level of distress ease a bit each time. Now, I don’t feel the need to be as secretive because I’ve proved that I’m a capable traveler. So yes, Lisa, honesty–although a limited honesty 🙂 —seems to be the best policy.